I don’t wanna have heart full of hatred to you two. Both of you meant a lot to me. My heart was marked sinister black with all the loathing
In my life, I have one sole purpose that is to make the both of you proud. I can have the whole world to have revulsion on me, but I can’t have the two of you to even hate me.
I miss how you two told me to “belajar elok – elok” with a smile. I miss those heartfelt smiles, seriously. And my life in boarding school is a complete hell. But whenever I was going to come home, the whole remorse would grow fainter into thin air, leaving only the contentment of me meeting my parents. And that is the only motivation that I have to go through the hellish life in school. Being home is the real heaven of me on earth.
But now, why do you wear the mask of a person that I have never known in my whole life. You looked at me as if I am going on a parole. Like I am gonna kill another person as soon as I am out of the car.
I don’t wanna ask for the pat on my head, bedtime stories, nor the insignificant jokes. What I want from you is to take me as an adult. It would mean a lot to me. Respect my desire and hope. Show some reverence on me.
Mom, I never was, never am, and never will hate you. The only thing portrayed via my face was anger. I miss my old mum. I miss her old smile; I miss the intact thing that she has done on. I know paranoid mind wasn’t planted in you but the family has taught you that way, you even learned those the hard way.
Dad, I know you have changed a lot. It is a dream we are living in, there will be one day when we awake and realizes our dreams are just a joke in jest. I know how hard your life is when you were young. That is why I never complained when you are smoking. I know you wanted to proof something to the world, that you are not someone who you were. But I do hope that my father who can joke and grant the warmth will return one day.
Now I know it wasn’t anger that causes my insomnia. It was the missing part of me. Your blessings…